“Delegate!” they said, “You need to delegate if you want to stay afloat."
I had tried, I really had. Delegating was easier said than done. Who was going to pick the first dance song besides us? Who was going to choose the tabletop decor, or the guestbook, or the menu? Every decision felt so personal, and when I delegated, I felt like things didn’t get accomplished as quickly as I could have done them myself.
“There’s no time,” I’d reply. “It just needs to get done, and I’d rather do it so I can cross it off the list."
The problem is that the lists never end. Even the day-of, the lists are still there. And while I don’t regret the intent we put into each and every decision of our wedding day, I do wish that time hadn’t felt so scarce, and so pre-meditated, and so out of our control.
Two weeks before the wedding, Mack came home after a long day of work, tired and defeated from trying to keep up with everything. The night before, we had spent hours sitting on the couch, doing nothing but talking and drinking tea…something that felt foreign, something that felt like we were cheating because there was still so much left to do.
As I sat next to him, relaxation flirted with our existence and eventually wooed us entirely. We were tired. We hadn’t hung out in months. To simply be, together, without any agenda, was like a favorite dish we had forgotten the taste of.
And in that moment, it was everything. It was everything we needed and everything we missed.
But the next day, when exhausted Mackenzie sank into the same couch, it was like a grieving process had begun. We hadn’t realized how much time had escaped until we experienced it afresh, and that was heartbreaking.
As I asked him how he was doing, the voice he replied in was sad, but also full of love: “I just miss you so much. And I didn’t even know how much until last night. I miss you, I love you. I’m ready to be married, I’m ready for wedding planning to be over."
It was incredibly difficult. Wedding planning…it just isn’t fun. You get through it, and the day turns out better than you had even dreamed possible, but the process is tedious, and demanding, and real life doesn’t slow down amidst it all.
Having time in our grasp again, as much as any human has it “in their grasp,” has been so restorative. Falling asleep, making meals, brushing teeth, and just LIVING under the same roof has recycled SO MUCH TIME back to us, and I am endlessly grateful for that every single day.
One of our groomsmen got married in May (Ryan & Natalie!), and earlier this month they moved into an apartment about one mile from us. It’s been great having more friends around, and especially newlywed friends. They, the Schreiners, and Mack and I went to the Getty to celebrate Natalie’s birthday, and having the time to spend an entire Saturday with people you love, picnicing and taking pictures and strolling through beautiful gardens was wonderful.
Having the time to invite each of them over for dessert, or for dinner….having the time to do the same at their homes, having the time to lazily drink coffee and read books, or stroll Anthropologie, it’s what I wish I had been more intentional about during wedding planning.
I know it was a crazy season, and I have grace for that, but man. Taking the time to make space, to rest…is even more important when you feel like it’s the last thing you’re capable of. It’s necessary. It’s non-negotiable. It’s essential.
***To a few of my friends who are in the midst of planning weddings, take the time. Take the time when you know you don’t have it. You will get it back tenfold in the health of your relationships and the health of your mind. (Especially to those with short engagements and difficulties delegating, like myself). ;)