God, all any of us want is to make sense of things. To make sense of the world around us and know that somewhere there's a place for our existence and a place for it to matter.
But the world doesn't oblige so easily. It's really hard to make sense of everything going on in Iraq while I'm here, sitting on my couch and typing on my iphone.
It's hard to make sense of cancer and death and suicides, like Robin Williams' yesterday.
It's hard to make sense of people working and dreaming for something only to have it end in a "no."
And I suppose, Lord, that's where we need you. We need you to help us make sense of things. And if making sense of things isn't important, then really we need help knowing you. We need help making sense of you in a world where overwhelmingly bad things happen a LOT.
I'm praying because I miss you and I want to know you, I want to know that your promise of never leaving us as orphans is true.
You know the place I'm coming from, and you know it's wound up in fear right now. Fear of NOT knowing you and what that means for my soul.
How vulnerable it is to admit that, but how important it is to let you change me from my starting point. To let you meet me where I'm at because that's kinda what you do best.
Don't let me block you out Lord. Don't let me fight so hard and analyze so much. Teach me about faith and trust and hope. Show me that it IS possible to know you, and know you well. And give me grace when I stop remembering that I don't have to do this on my own.
I love you as much as I know you, but I as I know you more I'm confident I will love you more, and I'm confident you'll help me make sense of some things some of the time. And everything else I'll learn to trust You in, learn to trust that those things are not mine to make sense of.
That will be hardest for me, hands down.
Thanks for your grace and your long-suffering love. I'm grateful for those above all else.