I'm walking in circles at the house where I nanny, attempting to squeeze in some writing before my phone dies, and before the babies wake up. And I'm walking because I own a Fitbit now, which somehow makes this seem more normal.
The last half-hour was spent on the couch, sipping some afternoon tea and enjoying the quiet. I caught up on blogs and scrolled through new ones, and it was nice. It was so nice.
Being home and back in a daily grind (even if it's a different daily grind) has felt as refreshing as the sigh of relief I took after hearing,"I give you Mr. Mackenzie and Mrs. Alyssa Smith," on our wedding day.
I had highly anticipated that moment, knowing that once we made it there, everything afterwards would basically be a party. And it was. Greeting our guests, eating off the menu we had curated (although my stomach was pretty MEH the whole day), listening to toasts, DANCING.
The planning was finally done. The lists, complete (and if incomplete, unimportant). The stress was gone, although its affects lingering. The dreams for "normal" life could begin; we were no longer attached to deadlines or timelines, no longer responsible for communicating and coordinating. We were married.
After one month of marriage, I can say that "normalcy" has never been adapted to so quickly or welcomed with such regard. Like Mack said this morning, it feels like we've already been married for so much longer.
This isn't to say our moments have all been perfect, because obviously that's not true. We've had more miscommunications, misunderstandings, and clarification conversations since living together than ever before. But it's the fact that within those, we're not also anticipating saying goodbye in an hour or having to get back to homework or needing to figure out what's for dinner.
We are miscommunicating and then returning to the grind, returning to the moment, bouncing back quicker than usual.
So when I'm suddenly feeling off, we talk. Right then and there, because it's impossible to go forward without doing so. And it's harder sometimes than others, and there are tears more times than not, but when we're done...we are done. And next thing I know, Mack is doing dishes or vacuuming or asking to help prep dinner...and I'm overcome with love and gratitude for this person I now get to call my husband.
I just feel so taken care of, and I've never been so genuinely happy to take care of another.
My best friend got married three months before Mack and I, and she texted me a couple weeks ago to check in.
I asked about herself, and her husband, and her cat, and she said it's so hard answering the,"How's the married life?!" question because, as she said, "It's all the things all the time." That is the simplest, most accurate, most profound thing I've heard about what it's like being married for the first time (and I can guess for marriage as a whole, too).
Because it really is all the things all the time. It's the disagreements over furniture placement, the misunderstandings about expectations, and the sacrifices of familiar structure. But it's also the early morning laughs after finally waking up to your third soonzed alarm, the nights of having friends over and ordering Thai (and getting to stay together after they leave!), and most of all, the hope and comfort of knowing you get to build meaning alongside the only person you'd dream of doing so with.
It's all the things all the time, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
all photos courtesy of the amazing Evan Zee, check out his website at evanzee. com